Posts tagged ‘death’

The Ten Best (And Worst) Ways To Die In An Apocalypse – Part 2 of 3

In the second part of this series, we’ll talk about the final three best ways to die in an apocalypse.  Here we go!

#3 Nuclear Holocaust

Where's Jack Bauer when you need him?

Death by a nuclear bomb really wouldn’t be a bad way to go.  Boom!  Game over.  Now, I’m not basing this on any scientific evidence, but I’m guessing that the physical destruction from a nuclear bomb would be so fast, that you’d be dead before you’re brain could say, “Ow, this really hurts.”

Again, this is speculation and not science.  It’s really hard to find survivors that were  hit with a nuclear bomb that I could interview.  And if you Google “What does it feel like to be hit with a nuke?” it doesn’t come back with any answers.  Maybe I should try Yahoo Answers.  They ALWAYS have the right answer.

The biggest reason this made it in to the top five is because if, in fact, mankind destroyed itself with nuclear bombs, you would WANT to die.  I’m sure a handful of people would survive the nuke (Indiana Jones survived a nuke and all he had was a refrigerator) but it would really suck if you survived.  Picture it.  The world is now a nuclear wasteland, all food and water that you might find is irradiated and makes your pee glow, and the radiation might have turned wildlife in to bloodthirsty mutants.  Oh, and it’s your responsibility to populate the planet again so finding a mate is essential for our race’s survival.  Let’s just hope that you find more than your cousin of the opposite sex out there.

#2 Apes evolve and take over the planet

Apes apparently never get receding hairlines.

Before you read on, turn off your computer and go rent Planet Of The Apes; not the newer version with Marky Mark – that movie was 2 hours of my life I’d like to have back.  You have to see the Charlton Heston version.  He’s a stud.

Thanks to that movie, I now have this theory. Before we stupid humans can destroy the earth with global warming, nuclear bombs, and/or the creation of dinosaurs, I believe the evolutionary process will complete itself in apes and they will be the voice of reason to all our destructive behavior.  They will be equal to us in intelligence and rational thought and we will enjoy a time of peace where man and ape live together in mutual respect and harmony…

But then 500 years down the line, we’ll have devolved into neanderthals and the apes will use us as pets.  Sure we’ll eventually become extinct thanks to the ape version of Bob Barker convincing all to spay and neuter their pets, but until that happens, our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren might be able to live a relative life of happiness, sleeping on newspaper and eating Alpo.

At least the Apes won’t eat us.

#1  Zombies!

Yes!  Everyone turning into a zombie is the best way for the human race to meet its end.  It’s a great way to go.  One tiny bite or scratch, and you now have a life of ease and mindless bliss.

Every zombie movie out there focuses on the few scared survivors trying to escape the zombies.  Why go through all the fear and anxiety?  I wonder if any prospective zombie survivor ever stopped to consider, “Hey I’ve never seen a sad zombie.  Zombies don’t need sleep.  Zombies don’t need Prozac.  If you can’t beat them, join them, right?”

Being turned into a zombie is like a permanent vacation.  Living life by meandering about without a care in the brain seems like a pretty sweet deal.  And zombies actually have a better chance at survival than us humans.  The only way to  kill a zombie is with a bullet to the head.  And since the only people that might shoot you are the survivors that make up .00001% of the population, your chances of living a nice passive life are pretty high.

The only downside to being a zombie is having to deal with the powerful need to eat.  And even that, as any pregnant lady would tel you, is manageable.

Well there you have it!  I might be taking a a short break of about a week or two before I post the final installment in the series where we talk about the 5 worst ways to die in an apocalypse.  That’ll give you guys time to perk up before I bring you down with some truly depressing scenarios.

Much love 🙂

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