Posts tagged ‘apocalypse’

The Ten Best (And Worst) Ways To Die In An Apocalypse – Part 2 of 3

In the second part of this series, we’ll talk about the final three best ways to die in an apocalypse.  Here we go!

#3 Nuclear Holocaust

Where's Jack Bauer when you need him?

Death by a nuclear bomb really wouldn’t be a bad way to go.  Boom!  Game over.  Now, I’m not basing this on any scientific evidence, but I’m guessing that the physical destruction from a nuclear bomb would be so fast, that you’d be dead before you’re brain could say, “Ow, this really hurts.”

Again, this is speculation and not science.  It’s really hard to find survivors that were  hit with a nuclear bomb that I could interview.  And if you Google “What does it feel like to be hit with a nuke?” it doesn’t come back with any answers.  Maybe I should try Yahoo Answers.  They ALWAYS have the right answer.

The biggest reason this made it in to the top five is because if, in fact, mankind destroyed itself with nuclear bombs, you would WANT to die.  I’m sure a handful of people would survive the nuke (Indiana Jones survived a nuke and all he had was a refrigerator) but it would really suck if you survived.  Picture it.  The world is now a nuclear wasteland, all food and water that you might find is irradiated and makes your pee glow, and the radiation might have turned wildlife in to bloodthirsty mutants.  Oh, and it’s your responsibility to populate the planet again so finding a mate is essential for our race’s survival.  Let’s just hope that you find more than your cousin of the opposite sex out there.

#2 Apes evolve and take over the planet

Apes apparently never get receding hairlines.

Before you read on, turn off your computer and go rent Planet Of The Apes; not the newer version with Marky Mark – that movie was 2 hours of my life I’d like to have back.  You have to see the Charlton Heston version.  He’s a stud.

Thanks to that movie, I now have this theory. Before we stupid humans can destroy the earth with global warming, nuclear bombs, and/or the creation of dinosaurs, I believe the evolutionary process will complete itself in apes and they will be the voice of reason to all our destructive behavior.  They will be equal to us in intelligence and rational thought and we will enjoy a time of peace where man and ape live together in mutual respect and harmony…

But then 500 years down the line, we’ll have devolved into neanderthals and the apes will use us as pets.  Sure we’ll eventually become extinct thanks to the ape version of Bob Barker convincing all to spay and neuter their pets, but until that happens, our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren might be able to live a relative life of happiness, sleeping on newspaper and eating Alpo.

At least the Apes won’t eat us.

#1  Zombies!

Yes!  Everyone turning into a zombie is the best way for the human race to meet its end.  It’s a great way to go.  One tiny bite or scratch, and you now have a life of ease and mindless bliss.

Every zombie movie out there focuses on the few scared survivors trying to escape the zombies.  Why go through all the fear and anxiety?  I wonder if any prospective zombie survivor ever stopped to consider, “Hey I’ve never seen a sad zombie.  Zombies don’t need sleep.  Zombies don’t need Prozac.  If you can’t beat them, join them, right?”

Being turned into a zombie is like a permanent vacation.  Living life by meandering about without a care in the brain seems like a pretty sweet deal.  And zombies actually have a better chance at survival than us humans.  The only way to  kill a zombie is with a bullet to the head.  And since the only people that might shoot you are the survivors that make up .00001% of the population, your chances of living a nice passive life are pretty high.

The only downside to being a zombie is having to deal with the powerful need to eat.  And even that, as any pregnant lady would tel you, is manageable.

Well there you have it!  I might be taking a a short break of about a week or two before I post the final installment in the series where we talk about the 5 worst ways to die in an apocalypse.  That’ll give you guys time to perk up before I bring you down with some truly depressing scenarios.

Much love 🙂

The Ten Best (And Worst) Ways To Die In An Apocalypse – Part 1 Of 3

Well, since I kicked off the website with a blog that was a little heady, I thought I’d balance it out with a bit o’ humor.

There’s been a lot of movies in the last decade that deal with the world coming to a horrifying end.  A few of these movies got me thinking that if the world really ended in the ways a few of these movies predicted, it wouldn’t be all that bad – just like pulling off a band aid.  Rip – ouch! – it’s over.

I know I’m being a little dark here, but if you knew you had only five minutes before something relatively quick and painless ended your story, would you really spend it running around screaming your head off?  I mean, if we were all just watching some fiery meteor that was minutes away from consuming the planet, I’d probably crack a joke or something.

“Hey, anyone got any sun screen?”

So in light of the heaviest topic there is, I’ve put together what I think are the 10 best and worst ways we all could die in an apocalypse.

Let’s start with the best ones.

5th best way to die – Global Warming

And yet, the Canadians STILL wouldn't cancel school.

In 2004, the movie, “The Day After Tomorrow” came out and oh-so subtly told us what would happen if we didn’t immediately stop driving SUVs and running air conditioners in the summer.  (Sarcasm)  In a nutshell, the global warming caused these ginormous tornadoes and hurricanes to rip through the land like this kid ripping paper.

Cute video huh?

It gets worse.  These twisters also caused the temperature to drop to -150 Fahrenheit.  And that’s cold.

Now, if this were to happen, the only way you’d survive is if you were lucky enough to not be impaled or smashed by flying…well everything would be flying, including yourself.  So if you were outside while this was happening, the last thing that would probably go through your mind would be your butt.  Literally.

Now, if you were inside during the storms, the only way you’d survive the cold is if you were in a building where just about everything was flammable, like a library or the Christmas tree section of Target.  And this would be the only time where momma would be dead wrong when she said that playing with fire is naughty, because the heat from the flames is your only sliver of hope in surviving.  Just don’t get carried away and burn down the building.

By now you might be wondering why this is listed as one of the best ways to die.  After all, dieing in a twister or being turned into Dippin Dots would suck.  But there is one silver lining in this very dark cloud.  The other essential in staying alive in this scenario is body heat.  Lots and lots of body heat.  So husbands, grab your wives because when survival is on the line, “I’m just not in the mood” is simply not a good enough excuse.  And yes, even in the face of global extinction, men are looking to score.

4th best way to die – Dinosaurs reclaim the planet

So if Jurassic Park came true (and you know there’s some quack scientist out there attempting it) and every race of dinosaur was all safe and secure on some little island off the coast of Costa Rica, you know those big evil creatures would eventually find a way off and into our cities.  A few years later, after the passing of a few healthy dino-mating seasons, the world has a big, and I do mean big, problem.

Imagine this:  You’ve just left Starbucks and a giant Pterodactyl grabs you out of nowhere and takes you for a little ride in his talons.  An optimist might think, “Hey cool!  It’s like I’m flying!”  But whatever joy you get out of the flight is immediately replaced with dread as now you’re in a giant nest where 3 Pterodactyl babies are fighting over who gets to eat the part of you that tastes best.

So why is this one of the better ways to die?

Simple.  You’re life, or rather, your death would not have been in vain.  Many cultures throughout time have taken pride in the way they die, and being eaten so another creature could survive really isn’t that bad of a way to go.  You’re contributing to the circle of life.  You should get a medal for your selflessness…that is…if you had a body to pin it on.

Join us next week when I post part 2 of this…disturbing series 🙂

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