Archive for the ‘Misc.’ Category

My Last Night On Earth (Contributions and ideas welcome!)

EDIT: I’m breaking a rule here.  You’re not supossed to tell your audience that your article is a satire piece, but I’ve had a few people take me seriously on this one.  It was awkward.  Ergo…WARNING, THE FOLLOWING POST IS SATIRE. 

Since tomorrow is the day Jesus comes back, I’ve been thinking about what I want to do on my last night here on planet Earth. 

You know, I was thinking that it would be appropriate to have one last big family time where the four of us cozy up on the couch in matching snuggies and watch Disney movies all night.  The boys wouldn’t have a bedtime and we’d eat all the ice cream we want.  But then it hit me; that’s the very last thing I’d do.  Obviously there will be no bedtimes and all-you-can-eat ice cream buffets in heaven.  So why spend your very last night doing something you can do for all eternity?

So I’m going to do things that won’t be in heaven.

So here are some things we know about heaven.  First off, there’s going to be no sex in heaven.  EVERYONE knows that, right?  My condolences go out to Christian couples who are getting married tomorrow.  But this could be an opportunity for us married men.  If the wife claims a headache, counter with the fact that it’ll be the VERY LAST TIME. Or make a compromise.  Say you’ll clean the house from top to bottom this weekend.  What sound-minded wife would turn that down?

Also, since heaven will be filled with days where we’ll do nothing but worship God set to Chris Tomlin and Hillsongs music, there will be no place for all my favorite classic rock bands.  Bummer.  A word of advice for all you audiophiles.  Before Jesus comes back, get rid of all your illegally downloaded music…you know, just in case Jesus was really tight with the MIAA. 

I’m thinking I should also watch my favorite movie:  the newest Star Trek.  But then again, since God has perfect qualities, I’m pretty sure he’s a Trekkie.  I bet he’s also a fan of Joss Whedon’s Firefly.  And I’m hoping he will work out a deal with the original cast to make some additional seasons.   But I’m convinced that God is not a reality TV fan.  So that won’t be in heaven.  And that’s cause for celebration.

What I’m curious to know is when this is all going to happen tomorrow?  Which side of the International Date Line is God going to respect?  God used to be all about the Jewish people, but I’m pretty sure God’s an American now.  I just don’t want it to happen while I’m asleep.  It’d be creepy to go to bed and wake up in heaven.  But how are we going to get to heaven?  Are we going to float up there?  Imagine waking up and being suspended in space.  I think I would cuss.  But cussing might make you stop floating.  I don’t want that.  Hopefully God is a morning person.

These are just a few thoughts.  What are YOU planning on doing on your last night here?  Reply and contribute!

The Fate Of Fourfingerculture

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything on this website.  In the past few months, I’ve moved 600 miles away, gotten a new job and my wife gave birth to our new son.  Needless to say, it’s been a little nuts.  But even when I have some free time where I can keep a complex thought in my head longer than 60 seconds without being interrupted by two screaming kids, I still haven’t had much of a desire to do any four-finger blogging.

Because I’m questioning the purpose of this whole thing.

Please know that this is not some passive-aggressive attempt at seeking some verbal affirmation to validate my website.  If you like Fourfingerculture, then great!  If you don’t like it, I honestly don’t care.  Besides, verbal affirmation is not my love language.  It doesn’t do much for me.  Now, if you were to donate to my cause with money or article submissions, that would be a different story. J

I have been playing it safe when it comes to the articles I’ve been writing on here.  Outside of a few articles that have lightly stirred up the pot, I really haven’t said much that the general populous doesn’t agree with.  Honestly, it’s not my intent to write things for the sole purpose of having people argue.  I hate arguing.  But it’s also not my intent to write simple little things that everyone agrees with that challenge no one.

My whole aim for fourfingerculture was to simply address things that commonly get swept under the church’s rug and provide a place for careful and positive discussion.  And I’ve not gone that edgy yet, but now that I’ve given it careful thought, I’m not sure that I want to.

Because most don’t like to discuss them.

People like to debate and defend their views on religion, morality and culture, but only a few seem to want to actually discuss these things with others in order to learn something.  Having solid beliefs is important, but too often we defend them to the point of being divided with other Christians.  We enjoy reading material that echoes are own views; and we enjoy reading incendiary opinions we don’t agree with so we can scoff and feel superior, but most don’t enjoy putting these elements together for humble discussion.

And frankly, there’s certain things I’m almost afraid to discuss because some of my views no longer mesh with my conservative, fundamental upbringing.  I’ve remained silent on many things, but I’ve let a few opinions slip out that have caused nothing back backlash and concerned looks.  Just the other day, I was  accused of searching out man’s intellectual ideas instead of God because I casually mentioned that I have trouble believing that hell is a place where people get tortured for eternity.

But this is exactly what fourfingerculture should be!  I want to look at scriptures and wrestle with the concept of hell in contrast to a God whose mercy is unending.  I want to confront the anger many Christians have with homosexuals.  I want to probe and doubt the Americanized culture that has intertwined with our churches.  I want to seriously discuss what it means to love my neighbor.  I want to openly talk about issues about violence and sex and masturbation (yeah, I said it).  I want to flesh out answers about whether or not Christians should drink alcohol or do yoga or give five dollars to the crack addict begging for change on the corner.  I want to rethink the ways we evangelize, do church, worship to music and pray for the sick.

Even now, I may have some readers who think that I have fallen in the pit of a Godless theological liberalism or that I’m some clueless young punk who will wise up one day.  If that’s you, I understand where you are coming from.  But questioning these issues are no longer for fringe groups that have eyebrow piercings and smoke ganja on the weekends.  And whether you like to admit it or not, you have wrestled with at least some of these issues; you may just have been taught to never confront them.  I’m a firm believer that God is not surprised by our questions.  In fact, I believe he welcomes them with open arms.

So the fate of fourfingerculture is to either dive into the swamp of edgier issues with our faith; a move that is most likely to fail with heated arguments and hurt feelings, or to play it safe and occasionally update the site with writings that everyone will be comfortable with.

I’m not sure which way it will go.  I’m not sure which way, if any, would be beneficial.  I wouldn’t be opposed to some advice and some prayers. And forgive me if you think I’m taking this too seriously. I do realize that I only have a few faithful readers and the website’s best days are those with only 80 views, but if I can encourage or challenge just one person, this is an epic win.  If I offend or confuse someone, then fourfingerculture is an epic failure.

The Ten Best (And Worst) Ways To Die In An Apocalypse – Part 2 of 3

In the second part of this series, we’ll talk about the final three best ways to die in an apocalypse.  Here we go!

#3 Nuclear Holocaust

Where's Jack Bauer when you need him?

Death by a nuclear bomb really wouldn’t be a bad way to go.  Boom!  Game over.  Now, I’m not basing this on any scientific evidence, but I’m guessing that the physical destruction from a nuclear bomb would be so fast, that you’d be dead before you’re brain could say, “Ow, this really hurts.”

Again, this is speculation and not science.  It’s really hard to find survivors that were  hit with a nuclear bomb that I could interview.  And if you Google “What does it feel like to be hit with a nuke?” it doesn’t come back with any answers.  Maybe I should try Yahoo Answers.  They ALWAYS have the right answer.

The biggest reason this made it in to the top five is because if, in fact, mankind destroyed itself with nuclear bombs, you would WANT to die.  I’m sure a handful of people would survive the nuke (Indiana Jones survived a nuke and all he had was a refrigerator) but it would really suck if you survived.  Picture it.  The world is now a nuclear wasteland, all food and water that you might find is irradiated and makes your pee glow, and the radiation might have turned wildlife in to bloodthirsty mutants.  Oh, and it’s your responsibility to populate the planet again so finding a mate is essential for our race’s survival.  Let’s just hope that you find more than your cousin of the opposite sex out there.

#2 Apes evolve and take over the planet

Apes apparently never get receding hairlines.

Before you read on, turn off your computer and go rent Planet Of The Apes; not the newer version with Marky Mark – that movie was 2 hours of my life I’d like to have back.  You have to see the Charlton Heston version.  He’s a stud.

Thanks to that movie, I now have this theory. Before we stupid humans can destroy the earth with global warming, nuclear bombs, and/or the creation of dinosaurs, I believe the evolutionary process will complete itself in apes and they will be the voice of reason to all our destructive behavior.  They will be equal to us in intelligence and rational thought and we will enjoy a time of peace where man and ape live together in mutual respect and harmony…

But then 500 years down the line, we’ll have devolved into neanderthals and the apes will use us as pets.  Sure we’ll eventually become extinct thanks to the ape version of Bob Barker convincing all to spay and neuter their pets, but until that happens, our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren might be able to live a relative life of happiness, sleeping on newspaper and eating Alpo.

At least the Apes won’t eat us.

#1  Zombies!

Yes!  Everyone turning into a zombie is the best way for the human race to meet its end.  It’s a great way to go.  One tiny bite or scratch, and you now have a life of ease and mindless bliss.

Every zombie movie out there focuses on the few scared survivors trying to escape the zombies.  Why go through all the fear and anxiety?  I wonder if any prospective zombie survivor ever stopped to consider, “Hey I’ve never seen a sad zombie.  Zombies don’t need sleep.  Zombies don’t need Prozac.  If you can’t beat them, join them, right?”

Being turned into a zombie is like a permanent vacation.  Living life by meandering about without a care in the brain seems like a pretty sweet deal.  And zombies actually have a better chance at survival than us humans.  The only way to  kill a zombie is with a bullet to the head.  And since the only people that might shoot you are the survivors that make up .00001% of the population, your chances of living a nice passive life are pretty high.

The only downside to being a zombie is having to deal with the powerful need to eat.  And even that, as any pregnant lady would tel you, is manageable.

Well there you have it!  I might be taking a a short break of about a week or two before I post the final installment in the series where we talk about the 5 worst ways to die in an apocalypse.  That’ll give you guys time to perk up before I bring you down with some truly depressing scenarios.

Much love 🙂

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