Archive for the ‘Culture’ Category

The Ten Best (And Worst) Ways To Die In An Apocalypse – Part 1 Of 3

Well, since I kicked off the website with a blog that was a little heady, I thought I’d balance it out with a bit o’ humor.

There’s been a lot of movies in the last decade that deal with the world coming to a horrifying end.  A few of these movies got me thinking that if the world really ended in the ways a few of these movies predicted, it wouldn’t be all that bad – just like pulling off a band aid.  Rip – ouch! – it’s over.

I know I’m being a little dark here, but if you knew you had only five minutes before something relatively quick and painless ended your story, would you really spend it running around screaming your head off?  I mean, if we were all just watching some fiery meteor that was minutes away from consuming the planet, I’d probably crack a joke or something.

“Hey, anyone got any sun screen?”

So in light of the heaviest topic there is, I’ve put together what I think are the 10 best and worst ways we all could die in an apocalypse.

Let’s start with the best ones.

5th best way to die – Global Warming

And yet, the Canadians STILL wouldn't cancel school.

In 2004, the movie, “The Day After Tomorrow” came out and oh-so subtly told us what would happen if we didn’t immediately stop driving SUVs and running air conditioners in the summer.  (Sarcasm)  In a nutshell, the global warming caused these ginormous tornadoes and hurricanes to rip through the land like this kid ripping paper.

Cute video huh?

It gets worse.  These twisters also caused the temperature to drop to -150 Fahrenheit.  And that’s cold.

Now, if this were to happen, the only way you’d survive is if you were lucky enough to not be impaled or smashed by flying…well everything would be flying, including yourself.  So if you were outside while this was happening, the last thing that would probably go through your mind would be your butt.  Literally.

Now, if you were inside during the storms, the only way you’d survive the cold is if you were in a building where just about everything was flammable, like a library or the Christmas tree section of Target.  And this would be the only time where momma would be dead wrong when she said that playing with fire is naughty, because the heat from the flames is your only sliver of hope in surviving.  Just don’t get carried away and burn down the building.

By now you might be wondering why this is listed as one of the best ways to die.  After all, dieing in a twister or being turned into Dippin Dots would suck.  But there is one silver lining in this very dark cloud.  The other essential in staying alive in this scenario is body heat.  Lots and lots of body heat.  So husbands, grab your wives because when survival is on the line, “I’m just not in the mood” is simply not a good enough excuse.  And yes, even in the face of global extinction, men are looking to score.

4th best way to die – Dinosaurs reclaim the planet

So if Jurassic Park came true (and you know there’s some quack scientist out there attempting it) and every race of dinosaur was all safe and secure on some little island off the coast of Costa Rica, you know those big evil creatures would eventually find a way off and into our cities.  A few years later, after the passing of a few healthy dino-mating seasons, the world has a big, and I do mean big, problem.

Imagine this:  You’ve just left Starbucks and a giant Pterodactyl grabs you out of nowhere and takes you for a little ride in his talons.  An optimist might think, “Hey cool!  It’s like I’m flying!”  But whatever joy you get out of the flight is immediately replaced with dread as now you’re in a giant nest where 3 Pterodactyl babies are fighting over who gets to eat the part of you that tastes best.

So why is this one of the better ways to die?

Simple.  You’re life, or rather, your death would not have been in vain.  Many cultures throughout time have taken pride in the way they die, and being eaten so another creature could survive really isn’t that bad of a way to go.  You’re contributing to the circle of life.  You should get a medal for your selflessness…that is…if you had a body to pin it on.

Join us next week when I post part 2 of this…disturbing series 🙂

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